So I’m still around, but although lots has been happening I just haven’t had the will to post anything recently.  Oh, I post like crazy on my Facebook page and to a lesser extent, Twitter, but I typically reserve this site for my more verbose posts and epic-length rants and I just haven’t had it in me to put out that much effort lately.  I think that my last post, and the enormous emotional explosion that accompanied it, sort of emptied me out for awhile.

Don’t get the impression that I’ve been sitting around crying – that was a (rather massive) one day event.  I mean, when my mom died a year ago it was sort of the same…this enormous sense of loss initially, followed by the more logical realization of  “you know, this person wasn’t a part of my life anymore and we didn’t even get along anyway”.  But still it’s weird when formerly important people stop existing.  I guess I’ll never get used to that.

So yeah, I’ve been a bit off my game for the last month, just in a really weird place emotionally, and I haven’t had a chance to chill the fuck out at all yet.  Since I ditched my ex Kevin in January he’s been in this “I didn’t realize what I had until I lost it” mode, which has been alternately gratifying and annoying (but mostly annoying) and reminds me altogether too much of what it was like to dump someone in high school.  You know, the long winded emails and text messages and the odd temporary imperviousness to insults so that no matter wtf horrible shit you say they just keep trying?  That.  Uhh, except there was no email or text when I was in high school, but you know what I mean.  A good guy but…sort of wildly inexperienced where relationships are concerned.  I thought being shot at for a decade might make dating sort of a piece of cake by comparison, but…yeah, no.  Anyway.  I’ve been seeing this other guy since pretty much immediately after Kevin, and that has already been all OVER the fucking place.  He’s emotional and romantic and spiritual and artistic and sensitive and I’m kinda…moody maybe.  Fatalistic on a good day.  But not exactly what you’d call romantic or spiritual.  It frustrates him to no end and doesn’t seem to like me very much sometimes but he generally accuses me of not liking him (over the same shit, so either it’s mutual or we’re deranged).  Despite that, we get along most of the time because he’s charismatic and fun and clever and more than a little unhinged, which I tend to appreciate because I am easily bored by routine.  But it’s also only been not even 3 months and we’ve already broken up once and now we’re at “it’s complicated”, sooo.

I kind of miss Livejournal sometimes.  This blog is public and because of that I’m a bit limited on what I can say about other people.  Like, the actual REASONS I split up with Kevin?  That was some seriously fucked up shit, but since I don’t hate his guts I can’t exactly tell the world about it.  I can’t/won’t go into my issues and paranoias regarding the guy I’m seeing currently, either.  I kind of have to save serious ranting for when I am super fucking pissed off at someone and don’t really give a shit how what I say affects them.  On LJ I used to just cut loose and slam out a thousand word, gruesomely detailed post without reservation because I could control and limit the audience, but I can’t do that here.  I might have to go back to friends-only posting here and there, because uninhibited writing in a semi-public forum is how I’ve been getting things off my chest since I was 19.

I wish I was better at being single.  And by single I mean neither dating nor fucking anyone at all.  It would probably be a centering experience.  However, boys have always been my heroin.  If I could slam a cock up the vein in the crook of my arm, I probably would.

testing new comment plugin version

I wrote this huge post about dreams and death and friends and sex and direction and the new year, but really, who cares?  So instead here’s a picture of me shirtless that I took in bed for no one in particular and for no discernible reason other than cuz I felt like it.

“Throat rape” has been a top daily Google search term for this site for like 3 months straight.  Might say something about the mindset of the average BD visitor.  Just throwing that out there.

2011 is already promising to be an interesting year.

He came up to Berkeley for dinner, then back to my place for a bit.  He ended up staying the night even though I totally didn’t expect him to, and I got all <333 about it.  We watched the total lunar eclipse together, freezing on the front steps.  He put up with more of my stream of consciousness psychobabble (I tend to talk just because I’m thinking about something, and with no actual purpose…which confuses everyone, who generally assume I’m leading up to something when I’m totally not, heh).  Spent the whole night sticking my cold feet on his warm body and generally being a pain in the ass and we were all lovable and cute.

This is how I like things.  I’m probably reading too much into his occasional spurts of being really distant and cold.  I hope I am.  I just tend to see that and then immediately anything that could possibly be remotely related gets linked together in my mind and by the time I have time to think about it there’s a full blown paranoia rearing it’s ugly head.  Side effect of the life I’ve lived.  I try to work past that.

Problem being that I’m generally proven right, but there’s no reason to think that will ALWAYS be the case…right? 

Anyway, on a lark I added a gallery of pix of my exes that I had on my computer, appropriately titled the Ex Files.  I’m sure some of you will find the commentary on the individual pictures hilarious.