Beyond all the laughs, the trolling, the relationship rants and the blatant sexual overtones – which truly comprise a rather small part of my greater ‘real life’ that most people will never see –  the thing I get asked the most is “how do you manage to stay true to yourself?”

People mean different things when they ask me this.  Some refer to my ability to shrug off criticism and flaming without every letting it bother me.  I suppose others are probably referencing the fact that I continually get myself into situations where I end up feeling hurt, and then I turn it into an internet laugh-fest and move on without any apparent damage.  The answer has a lot of facets to it, not all of which I can touch on here, but I’ll try to hit on the more important points.

First and foremost, if you have never taken the time to discover yourself, then you have nothing to stay true to.  Discovering yourself means seeing yourself for what you really are, as opposed to what you want to be or what you wish you were not.  Everyone is damaged, everyone has insecurities, and everyone has strong points, too.  Most people will never be the “best” at anything they do, but they will excel at something.  Knowing yourself is as simple (and as seemingly impossible) as taking honest stock of all of these things, accepting the things you can’t change, working on the things you think you can, and being proud of the things that you’re good at.  And then making yourself great at them.  It doesn’t matter what those things are or how they relate to the outside world because the outside world does not come into this equation whatsoever.  This is an entirely internal personal process, and not about proving anything to anyone…not even yourself.

Once you’ve come to grips with who you are, taken stock of your faults and given yourself credit for your strengths – an already difficult process that may very well destroy your ego as you know it if done correctly – you must take the even harder step of accepting it.  Do NOT fall into the trap of self-loathers where nothing is ever good enough.  It is great to push yourself and achieve and not become complacent, but it is weak-minded to get down on yourself and lay blame for your imperfections and then wallow in them.  In some ways, you will suck.  Everyone does.  Maybe it’s your short legs or your poor spelling or the fact that you’re shy or that you can’t stand up for yourself or that you’ll never really be thin.  That’s all fine if you can accept it.  Bragging about your flaws and trying to turn them into good points, or hating yourself for not being better in those areas, is a far greater failure than your inherent flaws will ever be.  You have one skin in this life – learn to become comfortable within it.

The third step is in the becoming.  Become who you are, and not just who you’d prefer everyone else think you are or should be.  Is your purpose in life to prove some inane bullshit to other people?  Is that your goal?  I should hope not.  If you can own your flaws, they will often become your strengths, or at the very least, cease to be such glaring weaknesses.  If your written communication sucks and you just don’t have the knack for it no matter how hard you try, work on other ways of communicating.  Develop your speech.  Develop your body language.  There is always more than one way to work with what you’ve got.  Not strong?  Be smart.  Neither smart or strong?  Be empathetic and reliable.  Develop what you are, and make it your own.

The last major step is to cease questioning yourself, while remaining inquisitive.  I’ll explain.  To question yourself is to constantly second guess your own motives or reactions in an anxious, paranoid, or otherwise negative way.  If you are still doing this, then you are not at this phase of your life yet and you have a lot more work to do.  Remaining inquisitive is different – that’s the process of double checking, seeing things from different viewpoints, cross referencing your actions with your philosophical, moral and ethical boundaries, and making sure you keep yourself in line with what you deem are your limits.  Note that I said “what you deem”…not what someone else deems as being acceptable limits.  You are an adult.  Your life is yours.  Again – own it.

Once you’ve come to terms with yourself, other people will be hard pressed to make a dent in that.  If they do, then consider: are you as centered as you think?  If you believe the answer is yes, then perhaps this person is posing a viewpoint that you had not yet considered and you potentially have something more to learn, as we all do.  This is a good thing.  Or perhaps this person is incredibly special and touches you in those precious soft areas of your soul that should always exist, but perhaps not necessarily be in plain view.  That’s something to handle carefully, but also something that can potentially bring you great joy if their intentions are good.  But knowing other people is a completely different process, and not relevant to this post.

For my part, I choose to take everything as a compliment.  Everything.  If they’re going out of their way to bring me down, then clearly they see me as being above them.  If they are angry, then clearly I have the power to effect them.  If they hate me, even more so.  If they spend the time to pick apart my physical flaws, it’s because they’re horribly intimidated by the rest of me.  Whether or not this is actually true is of no merit.  The important part is that this is how I choose to perceive it, and therefore gain near-immunity.  In those rare instances where someone actually gets under my skin – and I don’t mean pisses me off cuz that’s not special at all, I mean when they manage something that *really bothers me* – then I take the time to reflect on why and what I can do about it.  And then I am, in my way, thankful for their criticism for bringing to light a potential weakness that I can either work on or learn to accept as a part of myself and develop a coping strategy around.  That feedback is valuable.

So, in short, nowadays when someone calls me offensive, machiavellian, or a sociopath, I simply take that as my due.  When they insult me physically, I laugh at their obvious insecurity.  If they insult my intelligence, I go into paroxysms of hysteria trying to imagine what kind of completely retarded jackass someone would have to be to read even a single thing I’ve written and somehow still come to the conclusion that I am anything other than extremely intelligent.  Call me a slut, and I’ll say “only sometimes”.  Say I’m a user and I’ll correct you, with examples.  And so it goes.

I’m far from being the complete samurai that I wish I was on this topic.  When I really like someone I’m still shy and insecure.  I still fly off the handle with my rotten fucking temper when my hot buttons get pushed.  I still fuck up and make mistakes.  But I can admit to all of these things, and more importantly, I am embarrassed by none of them.  That gives me the groundwork for building the fortress that is my personality.

I am not hiding within that fortress – I AM that fortress, beautiful and built to withstand siege.

None of this is easy.  I have to constantly correct myself and forcibly disallow certain habits and behaviors from becoming truly routine and thus slipping under the radar.  The way I personally manage that is by allowing myself a certain amount of almost every vice I desire.  There are periods of time where I will drink to excess and I feel no guilt over that, because I’ll stop drinking entirely for a month or two and never break a sweat about it.  I will let my temper rage because I respect the fact that aggression is an inherent part of my nature and is a healthy way for me to blow off steam.  If I feel like it, I’ll toss whatever sexual morals I abide by and live in the moment for a brief period, always aware that I will return to the rules shortly.  So, in my case, the answer is not denial in any sense of the word, but in moderation.  Fuck yes I’ll eat that double quarter pounder if I feel like it today, I just won’t regularly.  I’ll maintain my anti-drug stance, but I’ll take a hallucinogen a couple times a year and watch the pretty lights.  I will avoid casual sex unless there is a worthwhile reason for me to do otherwise.  And so on and so on…it makes my limits tolerable and workable.  I am no priest.  We’ve seen what happens there.

Now, there ARE hard set rules that I will never break.  For example, I will never lie to the face of someone I respect.  I will never backstab a friend.  I will never do less than put myself completely on the line for something I strongly believe in.  And if I fuck up, I will not attempt so justify my poor behavior and I will own up to my shit.  On these points, I am implacable.

So, yes, I’m pretty comfortable with myself, though totally aware that some things could be better.  When someone brings up my faults, there’s no shock or  horror involved.  I know myself very well, have spent my entire life learning how to live with myself, and while a work in process, man, it’s all gravy.

And the best part?  Once you truly accept yourself, other people naturally accept you as well.  This is why although I’m an unrepentant carnivore, I have plenty of vegetarian and vegan friends who never try to convert me.  It’s why all my various multi-ethnic friends don’t get offended at my neverending racial humor.  It’s why my friends do not get sick of my shit and abandon me when things get bad.  Do it, and you’ll see what I mean.

I am who I am and will be who I will be, and anyone who meets me knows that this is not up for discussion.  As far as I’m concerned, there is no other option.  All is as it should be.