I post infrequently now because most people only read things on social media and I am loathe to blog on Facebook, because Facebook notoriously censors.  I think we’re all aware that I tend to touch on some rather touchy topics on a regular basis in the most offensive way possible, so the deletion of my content is a very real concern.  While I like the traffic I get on Facebook , I can’t stand the idea that they some outsourced third-world customer service jackass could arbitrarily decide to up and delete everything I’ve collected there because someone got their panties in a bunch because their boyfriend thinks I’m hot.  Not to mention, while they *do* have an option to download all your content, it’s not something that’s quick and simple to do and I’ll never remember to do so regularly (does anyone?).  If I blogged there and was perma-deleted (as opposed to the many times I’ve been “suspended” and deleted but then given my account back), I’d actually stand to lose content.  That is unacceptable.

It seems like most social and semi-social blog tools now cater towards the Twitter generation: short and re-postable.   Not really my style.  I hate Twitter and my updates there are pretty few and far between.  I can’t see the purpose of Tumblr for someone like me who tends to write at length, and though neither of these sites seem to actively censor, I’m just not comfortable with speaking my mind anywhere that I don’t control, regardless.  That says crappy things about our generation(s).

And yes,while  I realize that technically my site is on a space controlled by my webhost, I use Dreamhost, not fucking GoDaddy.  DH would probably die before allowing one of their sites to be censored…and I know that in part because I used to work there.  Plus, one time way back in 1999 or so, some chick complained to Dreamhost and tried to get my site shut down for, I dunno, slander or something else typical of me.  Dreamhost not only laughed at her and said no, they also forwarded her request to me with a “fuck no, we’re fans of yours” note.  I’ve been undyingly loyal to them ever since <3

Still, I sort of miss the privacy allowed by something like Livejournal…there’s a lot of stuff going on that I don’t post here because I can’t really control the audience unless people actually sign up on my site.  Nobody wants to sign up for anything new in the age of FB Connect and I am aware of that.

Does anyone even use LJ anymore?  It seems so cripplingly outdated.

If anyone has a suggestion on a way to blog lengthily, on my own domain, and with customizable viewership…well, I’d be real interested to hear it.

As a general rule, I am a pretty mellow person.  I’m easy to annoy, but hard to anger (though that anger flares up like a 5-megaton warhead when it appears), and I am rarely ever truly just in a shitty mood.  That might seem odd to people who don’t know me in real life since I tend to only post about sex and anger, but nevertheless it’s true.

The last few months, though, have showed an uncomfortable trend in myself.  As is the way with gradual changes, it’s not something I’ve really noticed all at once.  First it was just sort of being more uncomfortable around people than usual, then this sense of overheating, nervous tremors, muscle tension and occasional spasm, impatience beyond my normal lack thereof, major sleep problems, and now this feeling like I’ve had too much caffeine even if I haven’t had anything with caffeine in it that day.  I’ve also been incredibly antisocial and even less motivated than usual.  I view the idea of going out with a certain amount of stress.

Basically, I’m suffering from anxiety with no specific cause.  I’m not usually prone to that so that’s a bit weird for me, but I guess the events of the last 6 months, and the fallout of the previous year, have sort of cumulatively left me in something of a fucked up state.  It’s nothing super major, but it is uncomfortable as hell.  Medicating it out of existence is out of the question as I generally avoid medication (except sleep meds, because for my entire life I have never been able to sleep during normal hours), and anti-anxiety medication, when taken for too long, tends to lead to…anxiety!  Isn’t that some fucked up shit?  :O

So as of this week I’m going to try wearing myself out.  I recently bought 10 introductory courses to Krav Maga, so I’ll start doing that.  Physically draining myself, and perhaps watching my diet somewhat, will probably clear my head and milk some of the pent up aggression in me.  God, I hate being active, I’d much prefer to lie about being a lazy antisocial fuck  in my free time.  But, such is life.  Cuz seriously, this anxiety shit is for the birds.