overwhelmed

Is always being left behind a kind of love, or is it just wishful thinking?

My emotional intelligence is sometimes zero laced with chaos.  I do things because they feel so wonderful when they happen, but wind up feeling bereft in the end.  Spending too much time alone because all my friends are attached to the hip with their s/o’s, and with no partner and no sex life at all, my life begins to feel real thin.

Yes, I have things to look forward to.  It’s just hard to look ahead and feel optimistic about things that are so unreachable.  The shitty thing is that, truthfully, I don’t really have anyone to talk to.  My friends don’t seem too terribly interested in my life…christ, unless I chase them, they’re barely around (with an exception or two).  Maybe they read about it enough so that they don’t feel the need to ask how I’m doing, ever.  Maybe they’re so wrapped up in their boyfriends that their actual friends have taken a bit of a back seat.  I don’t know…what I do know is that I am looking forward to leaving California behind.  I’ve sucked it dry; there’s nothing left here for me.

You know what I’ll actually miss is my job.  My job is really cool and it pays well and my coworkers are great.  THAT, I will miss.  My friends…well, I rarely see them anyway. I imagine they might text me here and there.  Doubt any of them will want to brave the Great White North, but we’ll see.

North calls to me.  I’m not a sunny girl by nature.  I want silence and deep forests and places where I can go and neither see nor hear anything created by man for miles around me.  Solitude and cold.  I want to learn to bowhunt - badly. (can I wishlist a bow??)  I want to stalk the trees the way I did when I was 9 and howl at the moon and this time maybe someone will howl back.  I need a disconnect from reality.  A hard reboot of life.  New opportunities, new people, new territory.

I’m really stressed out and suffering pangs of abandonment, that lazy, lingering fear.