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Trespassers William
4 hours and 28 minutes ago
I miss blogging.
I post infrequently now because most people only read things on social media and I am loathe to blog on Facebook, because Facebook notoriously censors. I think we’re all aware that I tend to touch on some rather touchy topics on a regular basis in the most offensive way possible, so the deletion of my content is a very real concern. While I like the traffic I get on Facebook , I can’t stand the idea that they some outsourced third-world customer service jackass could arbitrarily decide to up and delete everything I’ve collected there because someone got their panties in a bunch because their boyfriend thinks I’m hot. Not to mention, while they *do* have an option to download all your content, it’s not something that’s quick and simple to do and I’ll never remember to do so regularly (does anyone?). If I blogged there and was perma-deleted (as opposed to the many times I’ve been “suspended” and deleted but then given my account back), I’d actually stand to lose content. That is unacceptable.
It seems like most social and semi-social blog tools now cater towards the Twitter generation: short and re-postable. Not really my style. I hate Twitter and my updates there are pretty few and far between. I can’t see the purpose of Tumblr for someone like me who tends to write at length, and though neither of these sites seem to actively censor, I’m just not comfortable with speaking my mind anywhere that I don’t control, regardless. That says crappy things about our generation(s).
And yes,while I realize that technically my site is on a space controlled by my webhost, I use Dreamhost, not fucking GoDaddy. DH would probably die before allowing one of their sites to be censored…and I know that in part because I used to work there. Plus, one time way back in 1999 or so, some chick complained to Dreamhost and tried to get my site shut down for, I dunno, slander or something else typical of me. Dreamhost not only laughed at her and said no, they also forwarded her request to me with a “fuck no, we’re fans of yours” note. I’ve been undyingly loyal to them ever since <3
Still, I sort of miss the privacy allowed by something like Livejournal…there’s a lot of stuff going on that I don’t post here because I can’t really control the audience unless people actually sign up on my site. Nobody wants to sign up for anything new in the age of FB Connect and I am aware of that.
Does anyone even use LJ anymore? It seems so cripplingly outdated.
If anyone has a suggestion on a way to blog lengthily, on my own domain, and with customizable viewership…well, I’d be real interested to hear it.
This sort of thing should not be considered offensive.
But internet nannies say that topless women are not “family-friendly” despite the fact that breasts were probably one of the very first things you all saw as a child, but you know. Somehow it’s a terrible classless thing now that we’re all adults. /eyeroll
It depends on how you market it, I suppose. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the above, except for “out of focus and bad lighting” but that gave it a softened grainy effect and I kinda like that.
Mostly, though, I just like to show off my 35 year old cha-chas. I’m slowly falling apart bit by bit, but those…are immortal.
The joy of the struggle
I take all kinds of wild and senseless risks. I’ll happily do something that everyone in their right mind advises me against just for the experience, and I never flinch from these things or regret them later because I make a point of learning from them, or at least enjoying the ride when I refuse to learn. Situations that tap my adaptability don’t frighten me; rather I run out into the storm screaming “Bring it on!”, not because I think I’ll win but because I love the process of the attempt.
What scares me is the prospect of losing my my edge. Domestication. I need that inner turmoil and that dramatic struggle to keep me sharp. I don’t challenge myself by pushing my limits physically. My endurance, my strength and my keenest weaponry are all mental and emotional. You don’t get that at the gym, you get it from open eyes and life experiences and I’ve got those in spades. Everything else is secondary.
It seems odd that the thing I am least comfortable with is the concept of comfort. I do not want to just be “happy”. Like a working dog needs to work or a predator needs to hunt, I require strife to grow.
That may seem a bit off, but I am okay with that.
…Internet armchair psychologists may now start your engines.
My goodwill is not endless.
It might seem counter-intuitive with my moniker, but overall I am a pretty nice person. While it’s true that I am harsh, unforgiving and judgmental of weakness, I am also very loyal and supportive to the people I care about. Get past my walls and I will give, give, give. It sometimes takes me getting it rubbed in my face to realize that I’m not getting the same in return.
When it comes to people doing stupid fucked up shit, I am vicious and not liable to forgive and forget. But I’m also not prone to walk away and abandon anyone in need. I give chances. Endless fucking chances, because I want to believe that the people I care about are better than that. That stance has fucked me over on more occasions and in more ways than I care to think about over the years, because most people just see second chances as proof that you’ll give them a third, and so on until you either begin to accept their abuse of your trust as the standard, or you man up and amputate them from your life. And at that point they always act somehow shocked that you cut them off. It baffles me. What did you think was going to happen? Did you really think I’d stick around forever being a good friend to you after you repeatedly snuck in the opportunity to kick me when my guard was down?
So what do you do when you want to give someone a kick in the ass without martyring whatever relationship exists between the two of you? There seems to be no good answer. You can explain, support, discuss, warn and threaten until you go blue in the face and it generally makes no difference – it always seems to boil down to either accepting the person’s repeated fuck ups or opting to surgically remove them from your life. Both are horrible options, but what else can you do when someone lacks the self-knowledge or strength of will or simply the desire to stop hurting the people who care about them most? At some point you have to stick to your guns and leave them in the dust, or else lose all sense of the limits that you will endure, along with most of your self-respect. No one is worth that.
Using my trust and decency against me is a truly bad idea. When I finally give up and go cold I am utterly without sympathy or remorse and there is no recovering from that. For every thing that I say, there are ten that I know. I let things go without comment FAR more often than I ever communicate, and by the time I openly take issue with something it’s because I’ve already noticed a pattern. Maybe that’s my fault for tolerating it at all, but I try to avoid being even more of a bladed ice bitch than I already am.
Never underestimate my willingness to cut off a limb – either my own, or yours – to escape a trap.